Freshly baked chemistry

Yes, I know I shouldn’t, but it smells so good! Just one little taste?! Would that be so bad? A pinch? A nibble? Pretty please!

It has been pretty standard in labs since the middle ages: you don’t eat the chemicals. But I really struggle with this. Just yesterday, I created some light, fluffy, golden brown compounds that looked like meringue cupcakes. To make it worse, they smelled like really yummy lemon drops. Yes, it was a highly toxic heavy metal foam… but it smelled so good!!! Citric acid gave it that sharp lemony bite, while ethylene glycol gave it that alluring, tempting sweetness with undertones of vanilla and apricots. It was maddening! And writing about it is just making it worse. Now I’m salivating and thinking wistfully that I had some here. Just a little pinch… a little taste…

Of course, once the urge starts, it doesn’t stop. My curiosity has been roused. Even the things that don’t necessarily smell tasty, still have these peculiar, unique aromas that call to me. Like aluminum nitrate hexahydrate. It’s got a sharp, metallic fragrance that fills the imagination with thoughts of robotic cuisine. And it’s hygroscopic! Which means it will melt like candy in your mouth! Oh, the torture!

And knowing the chemistry behind these compounds just makes it worse. “Oh, copper oxide? Why, it’s just copper atoms and oxygen atoms, that can’t be too bad.”

Or, “Cyanide? Why it’s just a little carbon and nitrogen… That can’t be too bad.” Knowing the chemistry really doesn’t help. Everything seems so innocent. These big, scary chemicals look so colorful and sweet when you hold them in your hands. I know how they’re made, I even know that the body needs trace amounts of certain ones, I might actually be making myself more healthy by licking the weighing paper after I’m done…

Fortunately, I’ve been well-trained. I don’t eat the heavy metal oxides, I don’t sip from the ethanol container, and I don’t smoke around the flammable cabinet. I don’t smoke at all actually, but if I did, it wouldn’t be around the flammable cabinet. Instead, I suffer as polymerizing organics make my lab smell like a candy shop. I suffer.

And I dream about lemon drops.